Does your dryer have a hyperventilation cycle? Apparently mine does, because whenever I am about to do something that makes me emotionally hyperventilate, I do laundry instead. What person in their right mind would choose laundry as a procrastination activity? I hate laundry! But that just goes to show you how much I fear the other activity — picking up the telephone.
Honestly? I don't like naming the fear, because as soon as I give it a name, it becomes an excuse: "Oh, I can't do that. I have phone phobia." Then it becomes an albatross. Man, that bird is heavy! (but not as heavy as the phone).
I've been trying to analyze this fear for many years. And believe it or not, it's a complicated issue that probably stems back to my childhood. And it will probably be the topic of more than one article in my ministry office, because I have a feeling that you can relate to it. Perhaps God wants to heal you of the same kinds of fears that have held me back all my life.
For now, I'll just describe what this fear is like for me, and I trust that we will unlock some of its mysteries as God brings us together through this ministry. In fact, it's this ministry that has brought me face to face with the fear that must be overcome:
I have a list of people that I am supposed to call and make appointments with to share about my music ministry. They are my very first patrons, people who know me and love me. I stare at the names on the color-coded spreadsheet. As I think about calling the people, here's what goes through my mind:
You're going to interrupt them.They don't have time for you.You're going to stumble on your words and sound foolish.You're going to be a bother to them.They're going to think you're trying to 'get' something from them rather than 'give' something to them.They're going to be suspicious because they haven't heard from you in a long time.They don't think you like them.They really don't like you very much.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I look at the phone-- and then I feel an urgent need to vacuum or rearrange my closet. While doing some mindless chore, I imagine the conversation in my head: I stumble over my words, their voice doesn't sound interested, they sound suspicious, I stumble over my words'
I make myself sit back down and pray. I pray for each person on the list. Deep breath. I can do this. God has gone before me. I look at the list again.
Has that person even heard you sing?
These people won't even remember you.
I'm pretty sure this person's out of town.
Why did you put that person on the list anyway? You hardly know them.
You have so much going on next week!What if you overbook? The last thing you want to do is make an appointment and have to cancel it.
Even when I've e-mailed someone ahead of time, and they say they'd love for me to call and tell them more, when it comes time to pick up the phone, I start doing another chore — like dusting the blinds. Believe me, if you've ever seen my house, you KNOW that's not an item on my priority list!
They're going to be jealous of what you're doing.
They'll think you're not going to follow through.
They only say they like your music to be nice.
You're not a professional! What makes you think you can do this anyway?
They won't be nearly as excited as you are.
They're going to feel 'put on the spot.'
They'll think you just want money from them.
How can I feel such trepidation about calling people I know, and who know me? Why does my mind create scenarios of rejection? Maybe I don't really know people as well as I thought if I'm having trouble imagining what they'll say. And why don't I know them? What's holding me back? Why don't I have deeper relationships?
Do I really need therapy just to pick up the phone!? I only have to make a few appointments. What's the big deal?
I look up the phone number for the person I'm DEFINITELY CALLING RIGHT NOW. Then I look at my calendar to decide the best time to suggest. Then I punch the numbers into the phone. Then I double check to make sure they're the right numbers. Laundry calls to me. It's the hyperventilation cycle.
I talk myself into just sending an e-mail. It takes forever to get a reply, but at least I know they're not being held hostage by my voice on the phone.
What is it?! What is it that makes me feel, deep-deep down and all the way back up again, that no one wants to hear what I have to say?
Surely there are other people who think the telephone has teeth'. People who are successful at what they do, people who communicate very well, and love people. I LOVE PEOPLE! I want to reach out to people! That's why I'm doing this ministry! But can't we just skip the phone part?
I knew this would be hard. At the same time, it's so wonderful when I finally make an appointment and meet with people who are gracious and kind. It gives me an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with them. And I know that I'll be connected in a special way to this person for a long time, and we'll both grow in ways that we hadn't thought of before ' because of this ministry I've been called to' because of Jesus' because He loves us and wants us to love one another.
Despite what the enemy sounds like in my head: Why on earth would you think you have anything important to share with people' anything they haven't already heard'. People who are smarter and more talented than you? ... who've been to seminary, forheavenssake!'
I know the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit, who says: You are the only 'you.' You're not perfect, but you're Mine. You have My creativity. Show them My heart. It's worth it.
For God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7
So, how about you? Do you struggle with thinking that what you have to say isn't important to other people? Well, hang in there with me as we learn how to disable the switch on our hyperventilation cycle.
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