An Identity Crisis
I think of this period as the beginning of my upperclassman experience at Melanoma U. I had finally buckled down and become a serious student. But had I picked the right major?
This degree path was unlike any other. It required that I take on a new identity: cancer patient. Even during the periods when I was 'NED' (no evidence of disease), I called myself a cancer warrior rather than a survivor. I didn't like the term 'survivor,' because it indicated that the battle was over. I knew it wasn't, and it probably never would be until I died.
In my mind, 'survivor' communicated the wrong message. People needed to understand that I had not survived, that this disease would return. Survivor also conjured up the image of a plane crash survivor, a victim who, by the skin of her teeth and pure luck, had survived. I just didn't like the word. So I proudly called myself a 'warrior,' and even used it in my e-mail signature: Jackie Doss, Stage IV Melasuckanoma Warrior.
Hmmm. Let's see. I believed I was on a "mission from God" ... to die. If I'm supposed to die, then why am I "fighting" cancer? I was a "warrior" without a cause!
This was my new identity. Cancer wasn't just a disease. It was WHO I WAS. Death had become my way of life.
I'm not saying I wasn't terrorized by the thought of dying, or that I didn't have my share of emotional breakdowns. And I certainly did a substantial amount of pleading with God. What I had the hardest time accepting was that my 81-y-o mother was going to have to bury me, and that she would be essentially alone. My son, just out of high school, had no idea what he was going to do with his life. I hated the thought of leaving him during this critical time, and not getting to see him become a man. My husband and I had only been married four years when cancer metastasized to my lymph nodes. Truly, the picture of my husband in mourning is too horrific to go into detail about.
This fractured group of people was my 'family.' My mom ' my husband — my son. There were no deep relationships among them. They were three separate people, tied together by one single thread, who would be dead soon. When I pictured them mourning for me, I pictured individuals, not a family' and the thought was unbearable.
But, but, but... I'm a Warrior Princess! I suppose the acceptance of death and the resignation to be strong and faithful is common with cancer patients. It's not that we don't WANT to be healed. But we invest a lot in this new identity because we must come to grips with the reality of future suffering and of leaving our families behind. We're forced to find meaning in all of it. So I embraced my new identity with zeal. If I wasn't Jackie Doss, Melanoma Warrior, who was I?
Along with this identity came a stubbornness. Not only did I not listen to friends' stories of hope, I also didn't listen to God. I thought I already knew what he wanted for me, so I closed my mind to a different message. But he kept knocking on my door with his wonderful secret.
So God Kept Whispering
I was spending a lot of time in scripture, and God used his Word to reach me, but he also used unconventional means to get my attention, which actually got to the point of pure comedy. Sometimes I think if we could see the spiritual realm clearly, we'd be amazed at how blind we are to truth that's right in front of our nose. But knowing that God stepped into our plain of existence as Jesus Christ, it makes sense that he continues to use physical, real-life things to reach us. If he used a cloud of fire and manna in the Old Testament, surely he can use a pest-control guy now!
But I'm getting ahead of my story. It starts in Exodus, where God showed me how unafraid Moses was to ask for what he wanted. In assuming that God has better things to do than to bother with my concerns, I am in reality belittling Him, not myself. After all, he sent his Son to live and die for me. To think that my concerns are not important to him is to doubt His very real sincerity.
'What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!''' Matt 7:10-11 NKJV
So, first lesson: Ask.
Thanks, Moses.
The next thing in Exodus that jumped off the page was this:
'For I am the Lord who heals you.' God said this to the Israelites after turning bitter water into sweet water for them. While I hadn't quite latched onto the 'bitter to sweet' message, I definitely saw in God's word that there was hope for healing.
But remember those strongholds I mentioned? I was still convinced that I was not meant to see age 50. So God kept whispering.
To Be Continued'
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