This Alzheimer's journey with my mom is so bittersweet. Almost three weeks ago, she went to live at an assisted living residence. It was a gift from heaven, that we were able to find a perfect place for her. She is one of only 6 residents in a suburban home with 24-hour skilled care. The owner has been extremely understanding about her financial constraints, and is waiting until she gets her VA benefits before he charges her the full amount for the room. I couldn't have dreamed up a better situation for her, and am so thankful to God for this gift!
But after living with Thom and me for 12 of our 17 years of marriage (20 total years of living with me off and on), my mother's absence from my everyday life has thrust me into a sudden state of grief.
The first week was really rough. I cried almost constantly. When I go into my mother's room and realize that all I really have left of her are some photographs, it's as if she is already dead. And yet she still lives ... in a confused, dream-like state, sometimes thinking she's all alone, that there's no one left who loves her.
And we share that feeling. I am emotionally better this week, but when I dwell on it for very long, the tears come again. This is the woman who knew me better than anyone, and cherished me... yet she no longer knows me. It's as if I have vanished. Not her memory of me... but my very self.
Much of our sense of being comes from the fact that others carry us in their hearts and minds. When we know that we are known and loved, we know that we are alive. So when we disappear from the heart or mind of someone who gave us our sense of self... we experience not just that person's death, but our own.
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